Everytime I think I’m close to being sure about how a girl feels towards me, I always find that I actually have no idea. Normally I’d explain, but I don’t care to tell right now for specifically the reason as I don’t know where I stand at all. Ah well, the world still turns.

On another note, I was just thinking that I really haven’t had a massive philosophical revelation since… I don’t know, the time I realized I was going to die. I find that nowadays I’m turning my pursuits of the mind towards consciousness and whether or not it’s physical, or merely manifests itself there. That is, I was at a party last night speaking to some people about a body transplant and I posited the idea of brain transplant. But then, I thought about it, and wondered if this would be possible. What I came up with was that either a) the consciousness resides with in the brain, so it is possible, b) the consciousness resides somewhere non-physical but the brain acts as a gateway, c) the consciousness is connected intimately to the body, not just the brain. Personally, I’m leaning towards b), so I figure a brain transplant would be possible. I wonder if science has ever attempted to transplant the brain from a monkey to monkey or anything like that?

Now that I think of it, I think my philosophical “project” these days is consciousness and what and where it is. I think this stemmed from my whole death crisis (i.e. like I said earlier about how I realized that I’m inevitably going to die.) The reason being that I want to know what happens after I die. One of the most interesting ideas I read about it was in Dan Simmons’ Illium where he basically says it’s a standing probabability wave. I don’t really know how to explain how that makes sense to me, but it does. It seems plausible to me that consciousness could have developed elsewhere (i.e. somewhere outside space-time) and somehow connected itself to the brain. I guess that begs the questions as to why consciousness developed in this pseudo-space but at the same time, we have no idea where we came from either, so I think it’s just as valid as saying we evolved from primordial ooze of whatever the fuck biologists are saying these days.

Which brings me to my next thought. Where the fuck did we come from? I find it astounding that everyday we just go on with our lives and ignore this question. People will say evolution. Fine, it’s a pretty good theory. But what’d we evolve from? Well, the primordial ooze. Great, where did that come from? Outer space. Great, how did it form out there? That is, why the fuck did some physical particles decide one day that it would be a great idea if we became these self-replicating monocellular organisms. I guess the universe has been around for 5 or so billion years, a period of time I cannot even conceive of (my 21 years have seemed damn long,) and so even something as improbable as life could form. But that seems like a cop-out. The problem is, I don’t know what else to say.

That’s it for today.